I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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