Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
