hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
