I CAN MOONWALK!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
