I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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