maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
not ubering you a puppy
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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