He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
jump out the window naked night went bad
Where are you guys?
Drunk
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
