my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
