from now on my penis is your penis
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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