You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
