She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
