so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
