I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
