she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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