I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
