It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
