dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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