I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Let's get the cat blown out
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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