Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
