Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
