Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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