Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
