franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You were trust falling into bushes
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
