It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
