Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
