I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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