Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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