it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
