Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
