you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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