I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
