you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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