I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
