I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
