This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
