when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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