I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
