I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
