Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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