What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
