You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
