I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
