yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
