life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
