i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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