I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
