I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
