He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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