he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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