discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
